Are we falling or flying?

作者: 阮一峰

日期: 2008年9月17日

珠峰培训

Did you watch Grey's Anatomy -- the most popular TV drama in US now?

If you did, you likely remember a beautiful song titled "falling or flying" featured in one episode.

Everytime I listened to it, I am always touched by its lyrics:

Are we falling or flying?
Are we falling or flying?
Are we living or dying?
I guess we'll never know

The air's so heavy
It could drown a butterfly
If it flew too high

Are we falling or flying?
Are we falling or flying?
Are we living or dying?
I guess we'll never know

All my 30-year life is just like the song title: flying dreams and irresistible downfalls.

This afternoon, I received a mobile call from the government (as alleged). On the phone, a man told me with a polite tone, but you can obviously feel a kind of intangible and perceptible intimidation within, that a recent my blog entry is NOT allowed to publish on the internet, so it has to be deleted as soon as possible.

Without any oral resistance, even without asking why, I deleted the article as soon as possible, like a silent lamb.

The man said "Thank you", hang up the phone.

I felt great shame for my humiliating tameness. Although this blog is hosted on an oversea server without the danger of unplugged, I am afraid that they would block the visitors from China, and I am more afraid that they would come to my home. So I did what they asked me to do.

In last 5 years, It is the first time that I deleted my own article after publication on this blog. Even you are an independent blogger, they still can control you. ...I am so sad.

Now, the final decision is I will NOT criticize or talk of the Chinese Politics here anymore.... I know it is a regrettable decision, but it is certainly the right time for me to do something else.

In fact, I feel I have said more than enough about the horrible and woeful Chinese dark reality. All my words did not make any difference. Evil is still evil, China is still China. Nothing happens, nothing changes. In the end, I am tired of saying it again and again, and now I gave up.

In the future, I will only write some reading thoughts and technical notes here, and want to do something new which can really change something old. Let us see what will happen.... There is a sentence from the deleted article I will never ever forget, which is "STRUGGLING FOR A NEW CHINA".

The following is one of my all-time favorite songs: Elton John's Rocket Man.

Just like he sang:

It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till touch down brings me round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Oh no no no I'm a rocket man
Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone

And I think it's gonna be a long long time...

This is a road much longer than I thought. If we are lucky to have the day finally reaching the end, it's gonna be a long long time...

一灯学堂

优达学城

留言(110条)

阮先生,我理解你的痛苦。在这样一个国度,除了等待和希望,还能够做什么呢?
虽然,“the party is arguably stronger now than it has been ever, in these past 30 years”,但我相信终有一朝它会在极度狂热中轰然坍塌。

Sigh.

I also feel so sad,so helpless,so aimless!Your past articles concerning the party are wonderful,really.But now,something happened and that is out of our control.
Anyway,I will keep close watch on your blog,hope everything good at your side.

we're floating.

Everyday is a new day
they always say
But on this land
it's not same
Maybe I woundn't see that
in my life
It's still will happened
another day

Yifeng:

Agree with you to do sth else. Best wishes for you. I understand. Support you forever, because believe in you forever.

I learnt very much from your blog. What I get shall be kept into my heart forever. Just yesterday I am wondering in my mind that if it is necessary to meet with you. I feel we must have many things to talk, many pain and happiness to share with each other. After knowing you, I know I am not alone. Thank you!

I am also a technical guy. But I am also a Chinese, so maybe it is our fate to love our people and want to alleviate their pain. We just hate the unfair. We think we should do sth, it is our responsibility. It is very simple, however, sb think we should not do this.

Yes. everything has obstacle. If everything can be finished without pain, then it is also not worthy to do. We should destroy our life because we still need it for striving. We will strive. Let's be together all the time.

Have a nice day.

waitting on the world to change~
悲哀。
等着这些老家伙都死了,年轻人成长起来,或许意识上会好写,会有些改变,也只是或许···

At last. Frankly, i cannot see your blog are radical enough to catch their attention. There're a lot of blogger going much further on the way. Perhaps it because of your high PR.
Anyway, it's quite brave for you to speak it out.

Sorry: typo:

"We should destroy our life because we still need it for striving."

should be

"We should NOT destroy our life because we still need it for striving."

:)

i'm so sorry

i'm so sad hearing this news


it's a great loss to everyone liking your articles

In fact there's something changes but it's so slowly

you should believe yourself and those who you love and be loved


and it's just how you consider the enviornmental condition and how you treat with the condition that decide wether you will fall or fly. As the Warden Norton in "The Shawshank Redemption" says, salvation lies within.

sorry

you leed me bright.thank you!

愿您有个好心情!

whatever you decide to do, we all support you.

也许你需要休息一下,换换心情。

不要那么沮丧了

forget it

很遗憾失去一个向你学习与你讨论的场所

Never mind, Search Engine cached your deleted blog entry.
At least we can talk about Web Technology here freely, that is another window to reach the brightness even though the front gate is blocked now.

Hey, my bro, cheer ourselves up; finally, we can change it someday


I would like to share with you a book "Man's Search for Meaning" (Frankl Victor). Maybe you've read it. But it gave me lots insights on the meaning of life.

You are not alone on the road you are taking, and,

Thanks for your sharing in your blogs!

---- A reader

Take heart -- it'll not be the end of our endeavors, but the beginning. What have said and done do not just get lost either. We always change the world -- the part of it that we are.

... What have *been* said and done ...

Duh.

what a crying shame... though i'm not really a fan of your political articles...

一直在订阅这个blog。

对于博主的决定,感到很遗憾,无论怎样,继续关注。。。


“假如一间铁屋子,是绝无窗户而万难破毁的,里面有许多熟睡的人们,不久都要闷死了,然而是从昏睡入死灭,并不感到就死的悲哀。现在你大嚷起来,惊起了较为清醒的几个人,使这不幸的少数者来受无可挽救的临终的苦楚,你倒以为对得起他们么?”


“然而几个人既然起来,你不能说决没有毁坏这铁屋的希望。”

——————《呐喊》自序


你是一个会被人左右的人 会把别人的期望当成自己的责任

年老者终将腐朽.
好像国.安没有那么可怕阿.
中国的命运用不会改变,因为血统.

You are a brave man,it's not your fault ,actually it's a tough time for everyone who really want to make it fair.

YES TO LIFE,NO TO POLITICS in china.

Last night I just read your article which recommended the book review, and found the report on a "study group" in the Washington Post via a link in that review.

I have to say that story completely shocked me...
And today I read this new article on your blog....

but anyway the thing is changing everyday...

Someday, we will get it back...


best wishes!

a reader

It's a pity to hear that!
but the way the officer speaking is polite,as though the result is the same, can I say it's an improvment?
of course not,the situation is the same as before,just like a stage, you can dance olny what are told.
I really don't like the reallity what I must to deal with, but what can I do? I don't know
I want to know what would had happened if you didn't delete that article, I don't know, somehow, we are just defeated by our scare.

订阅您的blog受益良多,您的blog至少让我了解了更多,谢谢!

支持你的决定。虽然我们的意图是好的,是期望中国能变的更好,但时势所迫改变是可以理解的。

期望能看到更多的你的文章,以及推荐的文章。

我会长来看看。。。。。。。。

可以建个google group麽?显然还有很多人需要听到你的声音,你说你什么都没有改变,这不是真的,任何时代都需要启蒙者,需要唤醒铁屋子里熟睡者们的呐喊。

请不要悲伤,也不要自觉软弱,bear hug for support

I have a dream that someday all of the people can talk whatever they want.This day maybe is so far away, but we should believe that it will come finally.

堡垒一般是内部攻破的,或者是自残。外部好像没有什么作用。就像三鹿的自杀一样。

You are not alone on the road you are taking!

别用中文就好啦 他们才懒得读英文的东西呢

No matter what they did, I know u r a good man in hope of a better motherland for all the c people. we all want it that way. but maybe it will take longer time than we expected. please not give up. it takes time to change, and we need time to think more for developing a better new c,hopefully not struggle. Love my country.

你的域名也不应在国内注册

。。要是留言呢。。
我反正是看到趙紫陽那篇了。。
那個人寫的文章也看了一些。

Fighting! Keep fighting! Fighting for live!

阮先生:
从卡尔维诺开始接触到您的文字,漫长的岁月中,由于有了您的文字,平添了许多的信心和勇气,从认识自己,到去认知世界。一直都想说:感谢您!
看到您今天的文字,很难过。
不是为恐惧和妥协,是为您的孤单无助。
不知道是什么原因,令聪明睿智如您,至今仍不能安全稳定地生活,让人唏嘘。因为,看到曾燃烧着的那团火,快被繁扰琐碎熄灭了。虽然所有读您文字的朋友都会是您今天默默的支持,但是,总觉得,您需要只是一个人的温暖陪伴。
今天的虚弱不是恒久的,您内在的力量,那一直透过文字影响着我们的力量,从不会真正离去,我相信。我们每个人都会历经岁月从内心开始变得强大,像《约翰·克利斯朵夫》里描述的历程一样。

近来工作顺利吗?不久前还说起的新房子是否已经弄得舒舒服服了?女主人开始当家了吗?有没有下《WALL.E》来看啊,超美好的电影。
阿阮,如果您需要一堆篝火,我们所有的人都会为您添上一抱柴火,只要您的内心能被这燃烧的火温暖。

Sunny
2008 09 18

很难过...
因为搜索PS:I Love You而找到这里,一口气读了很多文章,很喜欢,很有触动,很受启发。最近两个多月,每天都要来看看有没有更新。
没想到今天的更新竟是这样。

只是突然很想说声:谢谢!

so sad,i will remember the articles. i am going to buy this book .

Thank you a million for what you wrote. You are a hero who dare to shout out what other people do not dare to say. I truly believe in one day that china will be better because of you, because of millions of brave chinese people.

博主,我的经历有些类似,因为我的态度强硬,我因此曾经进去过。在里面我的想法变了很多,我现在只是一个普通的职员。随着时间的推移,再看到那些有过我类似经历的报道,我只能说我理解并同情他们,但我决不会再重蹈覆辙了。

Be Colin Luther Powell

Remember Martin Luther King


可以 "received a mobile call" 是一个善意的表示, 我见过不少直接给block 的, 后来都到 myspace 上去了, 此谓之"大隐-隐于市";
至于google group , 感觉总像是两军对垒之地 ;
"radical enough to catch their attention" 这位仁兄有点道理, 难道和上次被举报有关?

您可以把那篇文章发到我邮箱里面?我想看一下。谢谢

tomorrow is another day
the sun always rises

与楼上各位的留言一样,我的感受也是如此的悲伤和无助。虽然不见得同意阮先生的部分观点,但从今往后,我们确实可能要失去一个可以坦率交流的平台了。希望您个人安好。

不让谈 那就谈点别的吧...
看到阮兄就好....

其实我们心里都明白,这个电话迟早都会来的……
没关系,我觉得你作出了正确的选择。人生很宝贵,还有很多重要的事情要做。就让我们都安心地去做一个旁观者吧!
我会继续关注你的博客的

你好,我是在GOOGLE搜索'摄影集'而连接到你的BLOG的
我看到很多跟我思想相近的东西,挺兴奋
我现在在美国海军服役,我本来是想走摄影师道路的,不过不是那种灯红酒绿的商业摄影,就像的作者那样的
可以记录点什么 让观赏者能想到些什么

你说被人电话通知要删除一些敏感文章
咱有句话 '莫谈国事' 呵
在美国是言论自由些 不过老外都不怎么喜欢聊政治宗教
可能有点像 '你不给我做 我偏做 你让我做 我反而不做了' 的意思

无论怎样 我还是爱我的祖国的 希望华夏民族能更强壮
I'll also keep my eyes on your blog
you're an excellent 有思想的人

when I was 18, I had great belief in our country,in my homeland,in china. Now , 10 years had passed by, I have no belief in it at all......

余光中先生有诗这样写道:在中国,最美最母亲的国度。但他若看到今日之中国,他铁定是写不出这样的句子的......

引用仙人掌的发言:
就让我们都安心地去做一个旁观者吧!

安心地做一个passer-by?真的能安心吗?不能...即使你离开这个国家...

remember you mentioned in your blogpost that you would "kick off" a life-long project. Maybe it's time to shed some light on it.

+U!

阮大哥:
不要灰心嘛!就算这个网站“only write some reading thoughts and technical notes here”我们也会经常来这学习的。何况思想交流了才有进步!
你永远会是好榜样!!!

悲哀啊

引用Sunny的发言:

不久前还说起的新房子是否已经弄得舒舒服服了?女主人开始当家了吗?

整个的瞎说

大家都会好起来的
他说:****保20年稳定~~
明年,2009年,6月的第四天,就整整20年了噢~~
大家要笑着生活,奋斗,享受每一天,直到LONG LONG TIME~~

I'm sorry to hear that
we all support you forever
这里真的是个好地方,我会经常来这里学习的!

呵呵,看到你回复,还是很高兴。
是故意瞎说的。
因为希望有个女主人在当家,至少会多一种处理问题的角度。
也毕业了吧,也该抓下"主业"了。
房子一说,是依稀记得看到有一张照片,站在窗边一角。

总之,希望你还是你,不会因为任何人任何事情,烦恼到连中文都不想说。
有风拂过,乱了发丝,会恼怒得闭门思己过么。


Yifeng,

I just read the book review again.


Pan writes in his epilogue, “What progress has been made in recent years - what freedom the Chinese people now enjoy - has come only because individuals have demanded and fought for it, and because the party has retreated in the face of such pressure.” I hope we never forget that. That’s the answer to the question we hear a lot, “if you like China so much why do you criticize it so harshly?” Harsh, consistent criticism based on fact and made with conviction has proven to be the only winning formula in pushing reform ahead.

I also hope we never forget that.

BTW: The black-white photo in this article is really nice! Could you let me know where the photo comes from?

Thanks

a reader

In fact, you did have said more than enough about the horrible and woeful Chinese dark reality.

谢谢您所说的,虽然有很多时候都不太认同,but you just said.能够看到还是非常重要的,可惜啦...all the best.




I have read Tony Blair's article published in the Wall Street Journal showering prises on China. Tony Blair is the former british Prime minister. He wrote the article after witnessing the opening ceremony of the Olympics in Beijing.

It probably will take a long time for Chiona to be an open society. It is sad that you have to give up your critical comments on China.

Von Hiyek's book "The Road to Serfdom" published in 1944 seems to be still relevant today.

Maybe you should read more books and write your review in English in the Amazon website. I would like to view your deleted article. Can you re-write it in English for publication in teh amazon's website?

can't agree more with "guest" above.

引用jian的发言:

can't agree more with "guest" above.

I just quoted these words from the book review :)

蛮难过的。
一个中国人,在自己的国家,用英语书写,用英文歌曲来表达自己的情绪,这已经不是不完全是事情本身所意图反应的制度问题了,更折射出中国这一代知识分子的文化心理,以及汉语文化在中国人心中的地位。

u mean that we can not see ur blog in China soon?
u will do it,right?
坚持到最后,阮兄!

短暂而言,如此也未必是件坏事,一直担心阮兄评论之招致,目前只能存留信念,希望DARK 能坚强我等对光明的挚爱和完善.

阮兄,我支持你

引用hongjun的发言:
别用中文就好啦 他们才懒得读英文的东西呢

这个主意可以推广下,站长考虑下哦!(其实有几篇已经这样进行了,效果还是不错的。上有对策,下有政策嘛,若要吾封口,莫叹英文陋哦,呵呵:)加油!

看你的文章已一陣子了,由於網路的無遠弗界得以讀到你的文章,然而知這個消息後感到有些許遺憾,但若是中國能有多幾位如你一樣的新一代知識份子,想必是天下之福,加油~只是目前好歹避避風頭是好。若以英文發表不失為一個好的方式,因為我想當局或許只是不想讓你的評論讓太多中國人看到罷了。

引用石头的发言:
waitting on the world to change~ 悲哀。等着这些老家伙都死了,年轻人成长起来,或许意识上会好写,会有些改变,也只是或许···
We have repeatedly tried to improve the well-to it and improve it. It may never thought of doing any change. We even know, words, the health authority are deprived! We also expect that him?

只能是说sorry了,
其实大家心理的感受都差不多。

我仅仅是个清醒的学生,都有时不免会听听learn to be lonely

支持一下

I'm so sad, and I'm so happy. For those who I love and who loves me, I'll never give up. Beautiful music, books and your articles make this world more attractive.

Respectable Mr,
What you did really changed something.
Don't be so upset.

在少年不识愁滋味的的时候偶尔发现你的BOLG,感到非常幸运。因为在这里我了解了很多,学到了很多。最近博主遇到的事的确让人难过与同情。G的做法的确。。。身边的某些不公因为麻木习以为常,某时骤然醒悟,痛心疾首却又无能为力,接着又是长时间的麻木。于是像许多人一样想到了《呐喊》自序。博主也是这样的人啊!既然有这样的一群人存在,就会存在希望。
虽然。。。没有了,我会继续关注你的BOLG,毕竟还有很多东西值得浏览,+U,希望你心情愉快。

看了这麽久文章,印象中没留言过,这次要说话。
很久以来都有一个问号在脑海里,为什么这个角落能存在这么久,现在终于有答案了。
没事的,阮大哥,你能嗅到留言簿上这些年轻的味道吗?年轻就是希望。

阮兄,别用英文啊,我英文不好啊,还用中文吧,大不了我用代理啊

阮兄,我完全理解,但我觉得可惜.政治不仅是政治,也是知识和它本身.
我亦有朋友做着和你一样的事情,但他们仍会在小范围内做着这样的努力,只要你的流量不是一天超过一万的,就不会有人来管的.
希望还能看到你激昂的文字,希望你坚强.

这首歌符合我现在的心情,一个学医的人在开始读研的时候知道了自己得了一种没法治愈的病,现在才知道生活有太多的未知性,而要做到顺其自然实在有点强人所迫,但又无可奈何,生活还要继续。谢谢,你的博客,可以让我暂时转移一下注意力,再接再厉!

You rise me up,Thanks!

"but it is certainly the right time for me to do something else."

a decision which adjusts to the "fact"


I support you, keep going.

您的博客很好!

愿打这个电话的家伙,女儿遇到瓮安被人做俯卧撑,儿子遇到杨佳的事

O(∩_∩)O

Sorry to hear that.But,...Keep going.Let's always be dreamers.Expect for a better future and get prepared for that.

我英语比较菜 但是为了看阮哥的文章 我一定要攻克它

I am always afraid of this kind of things happen to the blog owner. Thus I am sorry of that, but not surprised. This will happen soon or later.

Everyone is stronger when he is saying than he is doing, so don't blame yourself. In our state, we all live on a degradation. No matter you are for or against the authorities, they can take away all your honour, belongings and even life at any time, as they see fit. So what do we have? Just a bullet that bring us to the end.

Remember, THE BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!

I said the similar words as yours on my blog. I am totally disappointed by the reality in this country.
But think about Lian Yue, he believes we are the SYSTEM. And he did it, Li Changjiang is 'resigned'.
I am struggling in the contradiction: Do what we can do or pretending to be blind.

引用maomen的发言:
I am struggling in the contradiction: Do what we can do or pretending to be blind.

There is more than one way to change China.

http://www.bozzetto.com/freedom.htm

看看这个,我管它叫“结局甲”。

改变一个人的想法或许很简单,但是改变16亿人口

号称改革开放多年,邪恶依旧,真是悲哀...
先生要多保重!


我很欣赏你的英文,如此简单流畅易读

所以,以后都用英文吧,这样可以保证有限流量

因为保先生身家性命还是大家最大的祝福

I dont know what to say. There are times in our life are not really comfortable to deal with, but we still need to keep going just for what we believed firmly in our heart. you think you can not change anything, while, on this point, i believe you r wrong. we can do something to change people, even very little though. yet still, i think many of us may realize that we can not give up, because to some stage, this is all we ve got. you gonna have something to hold, to make your life sparkle or just avoide going waste. i hope you will soon over it. and be yourself doggedly again. just remember, there are people, just like a song's name, "I ll be watching you".

不管共产党做过什么 我只会支持他们 难道你会指望轮子的“临时政府”给你希望?!
censorship的目的是因为我们的国民太脆弱了 不是因为我们的政党不强大。

只是出于想听听自己读英语句子的想法,我从本文开头逐字出声地读起来。读到I felt great shame……时,我突然深感哀痛,眼泪就涌出来了。我不知道为什么会哭起来,同时又深知为什么。我一直读到了最后,发现英语句子在哽咽中读起来,不失力度,也是很好听的。

I support you

近些天来,我每天都会来这里看看。看到这篇,我想,我该留言,以示声援。我多少理解那种孤独和无助,虽然不似阮兄这么直接。
很久以前写过一句话,大致是这样
”就算真正的勇士,当他所面临的敌人是充斥于这个时空中的文化,习俗和风气时,他也会感到自己的虚弱”
有些不太顺,但大意是这样。
这个国家太过复杂,现实中有太多不如人意的地方。甚至这些不如人意的地方都可以有它的原因或者借口。但至少有一点不该有借口,即,阻断对国民的启蒙。
这个国家是需要启蒙的,能有这个博客存在,我们能张口说话,影响周围的一两个人,也算是一种启蒙,虽然从本质上我们都不过是井底之蛙。

阮兄保重,正是有了你这样的人存在,这世界才会更加美好一点点。

did you consider immigrating ever?

用时间顺序看了一遍你所有的日志,(意即看到这里,还没看完),一直在想那些大胆的言论会否有个ending,没想到还真的有,虽然遗憾但表示理解。
we might shut up but never stop thinking and fighting.

Our voice may stop but thinking last forever.

看到这篇文章我感到十分遗憾。
我是从看您近些年的读书笔记开始喜欢这里的。
然后准备从04年的文章开始读起,读着读着就深深的爱上了这里
每天都要读上几篇才能安心工作。
很可惜,您要有所取舍
真希望我能早出生几年……

我会继续看您的日志。争取早日读完这一千多篇文章

PS:正如大家所述,您可以继续用英文来表达一些看法和观点。
相信大家都很期待的。谢谢!

by now,你已经是一个很出色的技术控了啊

当一个写作者有了自我审查以后,再写作就少了很多意义。

说出来可能有些冒犯。删文章就那么痛苦,也许正说明你那时的认识仍然不够。彼时我正经受牛博网的精神洗礼,脑洞大开,天外的天一层层打开。
09还是10年,我曾经转载胡发云的文章,里面直言不讳地提到十几年前的事件,后来就接到文化执法大队的电话,去那里写了保证书。当时还觉得对方小题大做,回来后才意识到自己太大意,没细看内容文章内容就转发了。那个文章当然是删除了。对方告诉我他们有机器在不停地扫描空间内容,筛选出违反其规定的内容。

其实技术进步,让人们更多的思考,培养从小就具有独立思考的能力和道德。当人们从小就认为言论自由就像空气、水、阳光一样的时候,改变自然发生。让技术的进步加速这一过程。以前,只要控制报纸、电台就可以了,现在呢?“防火墙”越建越厚,但是各种加密、绕道技术以更快的速度出现。而且,建设“防火墙”的有良知者,或者没有良知者都被鞋不停地敲打!

一直不停的激励着我,进行不停的学习前进,人生也就是3万天,

引用roxhaiy的发言:

阮先生,我理解你的痛苦。 在这样一个国度,除了等待和希望,还能够做什么呢?虽然,“the party is arguably stronger now than it has been ever, in these past 30 years”,但我相信终有一朝它会在极度狂热中轰然坍塌。

总结的太好了。国内风气每况愈下......

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